Broad A Hits the Brakes!
On Senior Living and DATING…
Two years ago I chose to “do a sabbatical” in a senior, downtown building that sparks views across the Glorious Basin of Downtown Salt Lake City. I could wax poetic on those views, on my 900 square foot apartment and the ails of a 60 year old high rise building that limps its way along with wheelchairs and walkers toasting the hallways. Sometimes the odor in the hallway thrusts you to the floor – many seniors here are in their 80s and 90s and the detritus of years and diapers unchanged is odorous. BUT the best thing is being SINGLE in a building with20 men (some formerly homeless and I am not saying this facetiously – I have glad moments that they are in from the streets)…to every female…….BUT.
Before I moved here, I thought there was a CODE.
The CODE said seniors (those 50+) had a way of entering the dating world that was congenial and old fashioned and chivalric. I was tripping happily through the dented halls of the OLD peoples apartment manor (substitute dorms!) smiling a Pollyanna smile at all – men, women and canines!
Until all HELL broke loose!
The first caller was 63, tall, dark and red-haired, a body built from unseen testosterone shots evidently (this is like the new toothpaste or something, a panacea for aging men that creates drool in good measure). He invited me up to his penthouse apartment, and told me he was a guitarist. Unhhuh. He whipped out his guitar, a bottle of 100 proof whiskey, and a joint. Yup, he even drooled as he grabbed at a breast and staggered a bit. It took me a few minutes to scale the outside wall and leap to the bottom floor. (LESSON ONE: never enter ANY man’s apartment NO MATTER WHAT!!!). Many senior men take it as a YES.
- NO. NO. Now in certain circles, that of the desperate and drunkard, evidently NO means YES. I did not want to alienate said creature, because let’s face it, in a building with four single men with teeth, he was noted as a “catch” by all the elderly ladies that he sang to. Gossip is rampant. What to do? NO NO NO. Brrrrring. Text Message number One: “Just sayin’ babe, wanna come up and PLAY with the Lights OUT huh huh huh? DELETE DELETE DELETE. Poor cool water on singingly hot phone!
I AM JUST SAYING NO I said.
NO NO NO. “Un huh unh huh, yer’re a challenge!” Well it took me blocking this guy’s number to get rid of him, and luckily he was evicted the next month. Was I naïve? Was this a meat market? THIS was where I lived. Even the elevator is not safe. And now I had to AVOID the vampires!
When we had a resident meeting downstairs with a social worker on how to protect ourselves from unsafe sex I screamed. Where was I? This is a SENIOR building – and I finally figured it out, after all four men eyed me like a black and blue steak. NO wasn’t working.
It is not the same out there ladies.
Diva or retired elderly accountant, there are 17 men to one single woman. Women will accept the creepiest guys just to have a guy. DO NOT DO THIS. NOT NOT NOT! I have learned how NOT to be so NICE. Desperate measures!
So here is my theme both ladies and men 50 and over:
- Online sites are only for the hardiest of people. You have to perhaps kiss Godzilla before you can get rid of him. Why put yourself through reams of handkerchiefs to wipe off your sore mouth?
- Find sites that are reliable – research – do your homework – have an alternate to get home if you meet one of these people somewhere (I bring along a cute fireman!).
- Trust your instincts. If he scratches down there MORE than once when you are fine dining RUN.
You have to take care of yourself you are in a mine field.
- Seriously, two guys asked me to marry them after our first “date” – coffee at the Smiths Grocery Store. I thought it was cute. I was flattered. I WAS WRONG!!!! BOUNDARIES ladies, watch the BOUNDARIES!
- Do NOT utter the words…let’s be friends…I like you but…you are a nice guy however…these are words of the weak woman. These guys are desperados. They have no income and tell you that they are oil well owners. They drive cars that leak. They only own a bicycle. They are seniors who are on the dole. (I am not criticizing any of these states of being. My theme is WHO NOT TO GET INVOLVED WITH until you KNOW them. Lies come cheap).
- LISTEN TO THE GOSSIP. YUP these older women hear it all. Chuck up your feet and LISTEN. They live next door to those thumping sounds and they see people come and go into THOSE apartments. Proceed with CAUTION.
- DON’T LISTEN TO THE GOSSIP. I had another fellow (who danced with all the 90 and up ladies downstairs whenever we had a concert) ask me out. It took me three therapists to get rid him. He was a GAMBLER and owed $100,000 because he went gambling after our first date and I told him I would NOT marry him. Whom did he blame? ME! The old ladies LOVED HIM!
- IF it’s too good to be true it is TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. One 69 year old lady met a fellow online, visited him for two weeks at his “ranch” in Wyoming, married him because he had money, and ended back at NOName Manor because he thought she had money and NEITHER of them had money. Now she is trying to dump him here and find someone else.
- KNOW YOUR GAMES. Read Eric Berne! Know Transactional Analysis. Join a therapy group. You need it in a senior building if you are SINGLE. Know about addiction, drunks, gamblers, liars, charmers, perverts: DO YOUR HOMEWORK.
- Don’t date at home. DO NOT date people in this building. THIS IS A WARNING LADIES.
- BUY a dog. Preferably a service dog long in the tooth and mean.
- I am not kidding. It just took me three months to get rid of my Third Jerk.
- PRINT THIS OUT and tattoo it on your forehead. BUYER BEWARE. Don’t befriend without knowing the end!
- DO NOT listen to YOUR GIRLFRIENDS who think the guy is ‘cute.” They were born in the 40s and think you need a man. These are NOT a good definition of a man. When he tells you on your first coffee date at Dunkin Donuts that you have to pay, that is a HINT. TAKE IT.
See ya all in Singleland, Divas. Clem says hi!
THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY OF SENIOR LIVING AND SEX (THE FACTS MA’AM ONLY THE FACTS!)
Rise of Sexually Transmitted Diseases in Seniors (Senior Housing News)
Eight out of 10 people aged 50 to 90 year olds are sexually active, according to research published by the British Medical Journal, and the number of STD cases in that age group more than doubled in the past 10 years.
Between 2000 and 2009, diagnoses of STIs (sexually transmitted infections) in individuals older than 45 doubled to nearly 13,000 cases, the survey revealed.
Alcohol Consumption Affecting Seniors’ Decision-Making
T the 65+ demographic reported binge drinking (i.e. consuming five or more alcoholic beverages) more frequently than any other age group, according to a CDC report. Seniors who binge-drink said they did so 5.5 times a month, compared to an average of four times a month among the other age groups who binge-drink.
Besides the statistics that prove senior citizens are spreading STDs like wildfire, there are also many anecdotal reports in the media of senior citizens living in retirement communities who enjoy a “college dorm” type of atmosphere. This issue has also been reflected in movies and television shows, often with comedic effect. However, STDs are no laughing matter. Besides the curable diseases like Syphilis and Chlamydia, life-threatening HIV is also on the rise in the senior demographic.
Why are the numbers of STDs skyrocketing in seniors? (Psychology Today, Posted Mar 05, 2014)
In addition to other harmful health effects, the CDC points to excessive drinking as a factor in the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.
Senior Citizens Spreading STDs Like Wildfire
By Rebecca Savastio on January 21, 2014 Liberty Voice
Many senior citizens are sexually active, and quite a lot of them are choosing to not “suit up” before dancing the horizontal mambo. Recognizing this fact, Medicare now offers free STD screenings for seniors. Unfortunately, as of now, only about 5% of those who are eligible for this no-cost service have chosen to utilize it, which means the tsunami of seniors swapping STDs swells onward unabated.